Be with Emily tonight as she fights another battle. Bring her peace and comfort. Give her strength to overcome this. Lord, I ask that you help our family. Help them to cope and understand. Bring your warmth to her.

In your name,

i am still sad that i won’t be able to be close to him for 4 years. and i am trying not to be. i don’t need a ring. all i need is the promise and the church. i don’t need anything fancy. i don’t need anything big. i just want to be his wife. i want to begin my life WITH him, not with him from a distance. it makes me sad. 

past. comes back even when you don’t want it to.

you can never hide from the past and the things that you have done. i still live with some of the pain. only because i am scarred. the insecurity is the damage that it left. never feeling like you’re enough. and for me, it comes in waves. i think this time it came up due to a dream that i had recently. and i can say that i have so much anger for this person, i know that it is not healthy for me. and i really want to let go of that anger. and maybe i should forgive myself for the mistakes that i made. i don’t think i ever fully did forgive myself. looking at old pictures, i can not believe that i let him do those things to me. i can’t believe i allowed myself to do some of the things to myself. what was the trap that i was caught in? there are scars and i hate them, but also love them for giving me the strength to actually start fighting for myself. 

thankfully i have a man now who can pull me back to reality. the reality that includes him. he makes me feel pretty and worth something. completely opposite. i am so thankful. he won’t ever hurt me and laugh. he won’t ever leave when i am in need. he will always be there for me. even though distance will soon be in the middle of us, i believe we will make it. 

my advice for the night is to STOP forcing something because you are in love with the idea of something. this is how you become caught in a trap that can be extremely difficult to escape. 

recently i was diagnosed with depression. and i also began taking medication for it. at first, it hurt because i am not sad, lonely, or thinking about ending it. that is what people usually think when the word depression reached their ears. i never thought i would be someone that would have to take medication for something like this. 
i have come to understand that this is not something that you can snap out of. it is a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be helped. it began to take a toll on my body, making me believe that there was something very wrong with me. i couldn’t be affectionate with my partner, i could sleep all day. i would get headaches that would be almost too hard to handle. there would be times where i would be angry for no reason and feel guilty later for having those feelings. 
i was confused because i was happy, deep down underneath the irritability. why was the doctor telling me that i was depressed? i understand it now, how much power your brain has. 

i never thought that i would be that girl to need medication to control my feelings. but they help. and i am surprised. but i think that people need to understand what the word depression is and how many forms there are. i suppose i just needed that boost to realize there’s so much light in my life, and now i am appreciating it everyday. i was very skeptical about medication, because i believed that the man upstairs could help me to overcome these mood swings and physical symptoms. after praying, i only felt that it was right to begin this medicine and i couldn’t be happier that i have a solution to an issue that has been bothering me for sometime. so, if you feel like something is wrong, talk to someone, don’t be scared only because the name is intimidating. 


How to Cope with Mood Swings


1. Make sure you get enough sleep. A recent study by the U.S. Mental Health Association and the Better Sleep Council identified a relationship between positive moods and sleeping between 6 and 8 hours a night. Regular bedtimes were also important.

2. Keep your bedroom as dark as possible as this stimulates production of melatonin. (Low melatonin levels are linked with depression.)

3. Make sure you have a diet that supports brain health. For example, the following nutrients have been shown to promote more stable moods: B-complex vitamins, vitamin E, calcium, magnesium, zinc and fatty acids. Also, rapid changes in blood sugar can also precipitate changes in mood, so watch your consumption of refined sugar products, and make sure you eat lots of complex carbohydrates.

4. Try some natural remedies. Chamomile, lemon balm or valerian root tea are recommended for helping with anxiety. St. John’s wort is said to soothe the mind and relieve irritability. In terms of homeopathic remedies, lycopodium is believed to help with anger, and feelings of agitation; tarentula hispanica is used for mania; and chaste berry, red raspberry, black cohosh and sarsaparilla may help with female hormonal mood swings.

5. Include some regular exercise in your daily schedules. This releases endorphins, the feel good hormones. It also helps with insomnia.

6. Try and identify coping mechanisms that can ward off or soothe fluctuations in mood. Also, keeping a journal of negative triggers can help you interrupt a pattern early on, and work on strategies for coping with these triggers.

i am going to have to make some big decisions in the next year and it’s going to be hard since we’re not on the same page. i am going to go off, at the age of 23, with people still setting restrictions on my life. it’s not what i want. i want to be able to make life and career decisions with you. i am not used to someone telling me that it’s not okay if i live there or here. or with you. 
i just want to be happy. i am not asking for marriage or kids, yet. i just want to be able to begin building my life with you. my life will be going on in a different direction, but i am left to wait. why can’t we take the easy, logical route? because there are people who think we will fail.

but i have enough faith in us, i just wish you could see that.